November 17, 2011

Cusp

By Kosmogonia

We are reaching the cusp of this deployment. I have been unable to write due to an injury in my hand, received while working out (most likely, although I thought it was work-related), and my mind has retreated to strange places with the change in season. Now that I’m feeling a little better, this space is much overdue for an update.

Again, Skype is the saving grace of my relationship. Without it, I would be a wandering train wreck of manifested fear and paranoia, wrought with constant, uncontrollable emotion. But with Skype – it ain’t so bad.

I think for the both of us we want Afghanistan to be a distant memory. Really, I want the notion to be emblematic of something positive. The stretch of commitment? Maybe soon to represent my unrecognized final days of detached freedom. I’d prefer to be doing more writing over this time, but my hand aches when typing. The other alternative, the gym, has also since voiced its opposition to my own self-distraction.

It has given me little choice. I have escaped to a land of quiet horrors and beauty where I imagine I am a soldier on the battlefield, and the idea of home has long since vanished like a mirage of my sanity. Silence becomes an abominable, incessant sting at every heartbeat. Time punctures the wound with its hypnotizing ticks.

So you see, it is not constructive for my mind to wander. But I let it. And then I focus on the positives in my life, and the undeniably attractive possibilities of the future. I read stories, share laughs. You can’t help but change a little. Stay fresh. Things are good and winding down. I am proud of us both, of what she has put in and I have maintained. I worry about my country though. While my house is in order, it seems the larger picture is subsumed by division and chaos.

Aren’t we a nation of little dreamers now? I read the news at work for much of the day, and I rarely turn away without a feeling of sadness. It seems that only through my relationship have I understood what it means to be an American. Without that, I feel merely like a human being struggling to survive in a nasty place. I will focus on the goodness. At least, yes, my house is in order.

The rest of the country could use some housekeeping.

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October 23, 2011

Preservation

By Kosmogonia

The nights are getting longer and colder. Geese and gulls compete for the last remaining particles of edible, organic matter before the lake is frozen over like a Christmas painting. I have always loved awakening to the sounds of the birds before sunrise. A conversation or a celebration? My mind is fresh and pure at this time, almost as if I am just born; my neurons fire all at once in synch and symphony. All at once, reality is constructed, and the din of sky-life carries back to some archetypal ritual that speaks without words: “You have returned, and we are here. We offer you the sun.”

It is too cold now, and the sun does not wish to stir as quickly. In terms of Nat’s deployment, this is the final countdown for me. I see it that way, despite the uncertainty of her planned return in the next three or four months. My focus has been preservation to a degree you might consider cryogenic.

I was offered a job and I didn’t take it. I had planned to join an organization; I am not doing so. The basis for that decision stems from the efforts of the group to make an international effort to help children, when every day I see kids here at home struggling.

Just yesterday I attended a friend’s get-together at his mom’s place. I had never been there so I didn’t know what to expect. There were a couple children – one boy in particular who was very needy emotionally. When I spoke with him, he held on to my arm, begging for attention. I could just sense something calling out inside him. He kept repeating, “I’m bored, I’m bored.”

I said, “Well what do you like to do for fun?”

“I’m not sure right now. I miss my sister.”

“Where is your sister?” I asked.

“She’s with my brother. They passed away, but it’s okay now because I’m living with my grandma.”

I told him to stay strong, and I listened to him talk about superheroes and school for awhile. He stayed close because I was giving him that time, and then his grandmother appeared, like a lifeless apparition in the shadow, and ordered him to leave with her. So he disappeared just as fast: no goodbyes or commitments. Just a little piece of something to hang on to, and back to the grind.

Yeah, there are a lot of kids hurting in more ways than you can count, right here. Next door even. Something like this stays with me, maybe forever. I don’t need to look far for an opportunity to help. And maybe I don’t need an organization to provide that avenue.

I’m in preservation-mode, holding on to a solid foundation, and trying to paint the future with a shaky hand. When you miss someone heavily, you often can’t find a constructive way to handle it. Many times you end up with two parties carrying their separate burdens, and inevitably breaking. I’ve thought I felt this, but then I quickly return to normalcy, to stasis. I know what we really want, and I have remained focused on those efforts. So as we round the final corner, I will weather the anticipation with more self-reflection.

It is getting colder, but my love is never frozen.

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October 10, 2011

The Long Road

By Kosmogonia 


We have come far.


As autumn breathes a stale wind that provokes the shedding leaves, self-reflection has sprung up as a necessity in the midst of upcoming hibernations.


Recently, a great change came over me. I realized that my efforts in sustaining a closeness with her were in fact stifling our growth. So I took the initiative to amend my methods, and now my connection – both with her and my own self – is strengthened immensely.


I have begun studying Spanish again for many reasons. I know it will augment my reality and present numerous opportunities in ways I can’t imagine; I also find the language romantic. I am locked in to a rigorous fitness regimen that I discovered online, and that which seems to match my particular body type. I try to live each day as though I am at war, except it is largely of an inner nature, and whose myriad players are all expressions of my own self. This is the challenge – and reward – of true self-reflection.


And of course, (perhaps it goes without saying), I have returned to meditation, lightly and sparingly. It is a refreshing way to get the mind in order before a full day of rampant consciousness and averted attention.


I want to write that I am proud of how far I have come as a person, and where I am with this girl in our relationship. As time presses on, writing about such personal things becomes tainted with an irrepressible uncertainty. But as daunting as it may seem, it can all be folded into a neat simplicity.


Regardless of the politics, or beliefs, or fears, or uncertainty, I remain dedicated to my mission which is not so far from hers. I feel grateful for the ability to communicate with the person I love using technology that brings us together like nothing else, and for this opportunity to know and find myself. I am still walking this long road, as I knew I would be. Yes, we have come so far that I don’t even think about my legs moving anymore.


Beyond the cold and winter, there is warmth. There is a mission accomplished in every step.

									

				

				

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						September 19, 2011					
				

				
Afghanistan Update: Medal of Honor

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					
I try to keep this blog upbeat, but the fact of the matter is that the circumstances offer little hope of fanfare. Nat is deployed, and I can only imagine this war changing her. As we had expected, it has become a wedge between us – stifling our growth together, revealing the ugliness in our separation, and threatening to tear away the foundations upon which I’ve built my entire outlook.


Still, we expected this. You have to. And that’s why we’re still going. Because no matter the snags in our communication, or the deep longing in my heart for all of this to be over, I can only think, “keep going.” There is nowhere but forward, and we have crossed so much territory. Though the path may have darkened, I can only continue my journey forward.


If you don’t know the story of Dakota Meyer, the soldier who was just awarded The Medal of Honor, click this link and read the article or watch the video now. Meyer, a low-ranking Marine, had been part of a nine-American 45-Afghan military patrol that was ambushed in the Afghan village of Ganjgal. When The Army refused immediate air support (stalling repeatedly by at least an hour and 45 minutes due to what they claim was communication not through proper channels), Meyer and Rodriguez-Chavez took matters into their own hands: the two drove a truck with a gun turret directly into the battle, recovering the bodies of the dead and wounded.




 Meyer and Rodriguez’s courage and determination is absolutely astounding, and the response by the military outside of the village is what makes the whole thing controversial. Regardless, Meyer and Chavez (who earned The Navy Cross) are indisputable American heroes.


On September 16, John Brennan, President Obama’s top counterterrorism adviser, spoke to a conference at Harvard Law School in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Brennan argued that the U.S. has the legal right to attack Al-Qaeda targets outside “hot battlefields,” such as Afghanistan.


He said, “We reserve the right to take unilateral action if or when other governments are unwilling or unable to take the necessary actions themselves.”


Critics argue that such action can only be taken in response to an imminent threat. Brennan rebuked this notion by claiming that the concept of imminence would have to be broadened against the non-traditional “terrorist” forces. The question remains, just how much flexibility does that give us in pursuing targets? I, for one, view this with an eye of skepticism, and even a deterrent for other nations whose own governments are now moot in the pursuance of radical insurgents.


And finally, in other news, 32 iPads have been issued to the 3rd Aircraft Wing of The Marines. (The Wired article even hints that the use of such technology may prevent future mishaps like what happened with Meyer and Chavez’s team.) The iPad consolidates the countless maps pilots analyze before responding to an air strike. Seems like a good idea, right?


I know what you’re thinking, though – because we’re all thinking the same thing: please make sure they can’t get hacked!


This is the Afghanistan Update for the week. I’ll pepper this space with some more thoughts in coming days.


Best wishes.


To end this post, here’s a funny video:


									

				

				

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						September 12, 2011					
				

				
Post-9/11: Fear from the Ashes

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					
Ten years ago, the world was a much different place. Those easy days of youth had captured in me what I thought was an unchangeable truth: that our faultless nation would never see an attack on our home soil in my lifetime. I believed that we were in fact impenetrable.


With the kamikaze destruction of The World Trade Center (and part of The Pentagon) on September 11, 2001, came the dismantling of my political innocence–an initiation into the fold of reality. An act of war had been declared on our nation, but not from another. No, this was pure ideology expressed explicitly through violence.


It just so happens that the ideology sprung from The Middle East.


Fast forward to now and you see a United States even less united, buckling beneath the weight of a powerful surveillance state. Eager to mark our friends and neighbors with the damning scarlet letters that spell “terrorist,” we have submitted to our own fears, suspicions, and confusion. After all, how has the world’s most advanced country in terms of military and technology not met victory after ten years of war with a ragtag group of poor and disparate insurgents?


The stories that have emerged from that day in ’01 are often heartwarming, and even more often heartbreaking. Was it then that we started believing again? And when did it stop?


For me to get through each day, I have to put a hold on fear. Nat and all the other deployed servicemen do what they do not out of a sense of fear, but rather duty. And it is our duty to do the same: banish fear. The changes I have seen happen as a result of 9/11 are not positive, despite the necessary filling of security holes. The government and its people are now concerned with preventing the next terrorist attack by any means necessary. So concerned, it seems, that now–after ten years of vowing to annihilate the enemy–our government pursues peace talks with them, and potentially legitimizes the Taliban with a political office. And slowly we continue to sacrifice our personal freedoms for a return to innocence and disillusionment: the false premise that we are once again impenetrable.


I don’t have all the answers, just someone dear to me overseas working to change things. She is strapped to her monotony and diligence. I try to see the big picture. After ten years, what is victory anymore? To me, victory is living without fear, free of all suspicion.


A simple trust in life itself.


We must unite once again, and we must never fear.

									

				

				

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						September 6, 2011					
				

				
Afghanistan Update

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					
Waiting is never easy, and worrying is futile. I keep my eyes open for a stray chat box I may have missed, a green icon of digital presence, or a newly-minted email in fresh bold font. But the alternative–the best route–is to accept the now and “go with the flow.” Often, I find myself at a loss, yet luckily I am able to stave off the emptiness by focusing my attention on other things.


Like music and writing, or care packages! This weekend, I will be going home for a visit (a 4 1/2 hour drive.) The inflexibility of time is most apparent when you want it to move faster.


Soon enough, surely, I’ll have a lasso around time, heels dug in the dirt, wishing it would just slow down a little.


This post is the start of a weekly update on Afghanistan. Here we take a step back to look at some current issues that have arisen from the conflicts that will define this generation militarily.


An overhaul of military pensions has been proposed to assist in reducing the Department of Defense budget. The Defense Business Aboard is arguing for a program similar to 401(k) to replace its traditional pension system, which currently honors veterans who served at least 20 years with payouts equal up to half of their military pay.


The plan is projected to save $250 billion over the next 20 years. Steve Griffin, a program manager for a Florida military contractor–and five-year Army officer–acknowledges the advantages of such cuts. But then asks if it is still worth the sacrifice of our soldiers.


Here’s what he says in a NY Times article:


["Still, I reject this new plan. When I think back on my years spent leading soldiers, a deluge of joyful images, beaming faces, lascivious yet hilarious jokes and fantastic war stories fill my mind. Such is the life of just about any soldier, sailor, airman or Marine who serves today. Yet I also remember the harder times. I think about the years spent deployed to austere combat zones, months of training in the bitter cold and constantly missing my wife. I am haunted by thoughts of riding in noisy trucks, lumbering under the weight of 90 pounds of combat gear, sweating so much that my uniform could stand up on its own when dry, and waiting for that next I.E.D. strike, wondering if it will have my name on it.


I shudder when I think about having to pull half-charred bodies from a mutilated hunk of metal that, only seconds ago, was unscathed. And I cringe when I think about having to tell one of my boys that, because our luck finally ran out, his best friend would not be coming back to his bunk that night."]


It will be interesting to observe if these cuts do happen and how they will affect our nation’s military.


The bodies of two German hikers were discovered in Afghanistan, reportedly stuffed in sacks after the men were shot in the chest. It’s been three weeks since the men vanished while hiking in the Hindu Kush mountains. The rescue team took four hours to reach them on foot, and talks are in motion to retrieve the bodies via helicopter. Neither the victims nor the perpetrator(s) have been identified.


Finally, JSOC (Joint Special Operations Command) is in the news for the secret organization’s extreme influence in the Middle Eastern conflicts. Under direct orders from the president and the secretary of defense, JSOC is charged with killing military targets, outside of all coordination with the CIA. Perhaps what is most astounding is the broad reach this secret organization has, with its own intelligence division, drones, satellites, and even cyber-warriors–a true shadow army. Still, despite the number of verified Al-Qaeda targets eliminated by JSOC, the group’s accuracy rate has been around 50%, hiking up the numbers of civilian casualties. While the organization considers the statistic a good thing, it’s questionable if an efficient, democratic government can be established by a military that has not taken into account the serious repercussions of innocent civilian deaths.


The breadth and scope of JSOC is something else to watch. The Navy SEALS are a part of JSOC, which came into light after the unexpected killing of Osama bin Laden in Pakistan.


Stay tuned!


 

									

				

				

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						August 30, 2011					
				

				
A Plug for Skype

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					
Firstly, thank you to the folks who offered me suggestions – whether through Facebook or the blog directly – for items to send Nat. This week I’m doing some more snooping, which means next week is scheduled for launch. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on how my second care package goes.


Today, in the midst of all the terrible news springing from the Middle East (except for maybe the report that Al Qaeda #2 has been eliminated), I want to hail Skype for its prominent status (in my eyes) as the #1 software for long-distance relationships, particularly of the military variety.


Nat pays monthly for internet over there, and it’s much more expensive for a much more finicky connection. When I see she is online, I know it is safe to call, even if it is 2 a.m. her time and she is sleeping. Me being a nice guy, I tend to let her sleep. The quality of calls fluctuate between clear and choppy, depending on what time of day it is in Afghanistan – or the amount of other people hogging up bandwidth (probably with Skype calls).


We tend to use voice, although now that she has upgraded her service I am hopeful we can have a video chat soon. There is something weird about our calls, though: every so often I hear a “zipping” sound followed by an animatronic voice that mutters two unintelligible syllables. It sounds like “desska.” Very strange. Maybe a third-party is listening in, or redirecting the communication. Or I’m randomly picking something up. Either way, I only hear this phantom noise when I talk with Nat. I’ve gotten used to it.


Skype has always been there for me, and I can’t express how much I love it. Not to mention it’s free! Do you know of any other good voice-com programs or applications that would benefit or augment our relationship? (I’m familiar with Ventrilo; I used that for gaming.) Let me know what else is out there that might allow for the two of us to connect in different ways!


Thanks for reading.

									

				

				

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						August 15, 2011					
				

				
Care Package: What to Send?

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					


My girl is one tough chick.


Did you know that?


Seriously, she can take just about anything life throws at her; but even she needs some post office love every now and then. Though I sent her one care package before, I have to admit I didn’t pack much. The customs’ slip desires specificity so I freaked out. Luckily, after this first run, I’m ready to give another go at it.


I mailed her granola bars, a rubiks cube, sudoku books, and hygiene products (which apparently have not yet been invented in Afghanistan.) <– That is a joke, in case you are offended. I mean at least you guys have internet now. (Kinda.)


For this second cube-of-love, I need some ideas that would make for a real slam bang. What is safe, appropriate, and acceptable to send to a girl overseas? I have a few items in mind, but I need your help! What should I send my girl in Afghanistan? Please respond!



									

				

				

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						August 9, 2011					
				

				
My Thoughts on the Helicopter Crash

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					
First off, I do not know anyone personally who is a victim of this incident. This is a general post that is not to be confused with any previous ones.


With that said:


The nation is still reeling from the worst tragedy to befall US-led forces in the 10-year Afghanistan war. 38 people were killed – including Navy Seals of Team 6 – when their CH-47 Chinook helicopter was shot out of the sky in the Wardak province in eastern Afghanistan by an insurgent rocket. Even more heartbreaking is the terms of their mission: a special operation to rescue Army Rangers who had come under fire.


Details of the incident are still pending – as the investigation continues – but many have begun mourning over the fallen who have been identified. Salon posted a rather heartwarming memorial to some of these heroes, courtesy of The Associated Press.


Sitting here typing this, a civilian untainted by the grim reality of war, I can only offer the most distant of condolences, and an outsider’s opinion. Those men were ready to die; but it is awful to think of their sacrifice as the large hole left in the lives of loved ones, as well as the sad realization of our own vulnerability against the insurgency.


In war, the enemy is often dehumanized and reduced to a number or a target. The majority of us back here may cringe a little in learning of Afghan civilian and military deaths, and obviously a lot more when they are our own soldiers. And when they are family, entire worlds begin to shatter.


From my perspective, the enemy is not a target or a number, but a desperate faction of warriors capable en masse. This incident is a display of those capabilities. To reduce them to the one-dimensional level of “pure evil” is to underestimate their potential, to assume that every mission has already been won. Truth is, this was a victory for the insurgents.


Despite talk of an early pull-out, I still predict a long road ahead in Afghanistan. We must honor those willing to do the work that most of us could never imagine. Yes, we must be vigilant; however, we should also seek to be honest and realistic in today’s events that will come to shape history. We are not always successful, and we will see tragedy. In this failure, shall we improve strategy and persevere.


My thanks to those who, sadly, have lost their lives – and to those still fighting over there.

									

				

				

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						August 4, 2011					
				

				
Appreciation

				

					By Kosmogonia				

				

					
At the time of writing this, I sit beneath a sprawling splash of stars in the night sky; a massive and crimson cloud is slowly creeping into view, as if to snatch them all away.


The stream of vehicle sounds coming from the highway and the sight of distant airplanes, tiny helicopters, remind me of this continuous thread we call human life. At any given moment, it seems, we are everywhere.


Sometimes I drive among these quiet streets at night to find peace of mind. Actually, I just let the mind wander and get lost in the warm glow of houselights. I start to think about who is sleeping within these walls, what their lives are like. I think about how astonishing it is that I am here thinking, and that they are there sleeping (probably), and yet the universe barrels onward unblinkingly, seemingly unaffected by my self-fulfilling ruminations.


I want to give thanks for what I see, and for how I feel, but I do not know to whom or what. And something tells me that that doesn’t really matter.


What does matter is my self-reflection, and I thank you for it. Surely, you know who you are.


Recently, I had the thought that many people believe they deserve to be happy, and are offended when forced to experience tragedy or pain.


“Why?” they ask, only then. “Why should such things happen, and why should I suffer?”


I realize that I operate quite differently. When I am at the peak of joy – a kind of ecstatic happiness – I never indulge. No, I take a step back and ask, “Why? Why should I be so happy right now, knowing this world is built on suffering, and there is only myself to experience this temporary pleasure?”


This is right thinking, for indeed everything is built on death. I believe this has made me happier. That I am able to appreciate every inch of my millisecond life. Every aspect: the ups and the downs.


So in my solitude, you may find me wandering the streets at night drunk on wonder, haunting my own memories, or seated by the lake with eyes scanning the stars: the great firmament that gave way for my birth, and that which shall remain long after I have gone.


Uncanny are the connections made in a single lifetime. Two people joined together by an idea, one that transcends the reality of physical separation. The eradication of presence.


What a beautiful little string of love. So thin, you can barely see it, yet stronger than the stuff that holds a universe together.


Love you, Nati. From me to you, and the other side of the world.

									

				

				

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